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American Tort Reform Association
A Horse Manure Lawsuit |
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The
Millworker's Son By Ann Coulter FrontPageMagazine.com | July 8, 2004
I
guess with John Kerry's choice of John Edwards as his running
mate, he really does want to stand up for all Americans, from
those worth only $60 million to those worth in excess of $800
million.
In one of the many stratagems Democrats have developed to
avoid telling people what they believe, all Edwards wants to
talk about is his cracker-barrel humble origins story. We're
supposed to swoon over his "life story," as the flacks say,
which apparently consists of the amazing fact that ... his
father was a millworker!
That's right up there with "Clinton's stepdad was a drunk"
and "Ted Kennedy's dad was a womanizing bootlegger" on my
inspirational life-stories meter. In fact, I'm immediately
renouncing my university degrees and going to work for the
post office just to give my future children a shot at having
a "life story," should they decide to run for president
someday.
What is so amazing about Edwards' father being a
millworker? That's at least an honorable occupation – as
opposed to being a trial lawyer. True, Edwards made more
money than his father did. I assume strippers make more
money than their alcoholic fathers who abandoned them
did, too. This isn't a story of progress; it's a story
of devolution.
Despite the overwrought claims of Edwards' dazzling
legal skills, winning jury verdicts in personal
injury cases has nothing to do with legal talent and
everything to do with getting the right cases –
unless "talent" is taken to mean "having absolutely
no shame." Edwards specialized in babies with
cerebral palsy whom he claimed would have been
spared the affliction if only the doctors had
immediately performed Caesarean sections.
As a result of such lawsuits, there are now more
than four times as many Caesarean sections as
there were in 1970. But curiously, there has
been no change in the rate of babies born with
cerebral palsy. As the New York Times reported:
"Studies indicate that in most cases, the
disorder is caused by fetal brain injury long
before labor begins." All those Caesareans have,
however, increased the mother's risk of death,
hemorrhage, infection, pulmonary embolism and
Mendelson's syndrome.
In addition, the "little guys" Edwards
claims to represent are having a lot more
trouble finding doctors to deliver their
babies these days as obstetricians leave the
practice rather than pay malpractice
insurance in excess of $100,000 a year.
In one of Edwards' silver-tongued
arguments to the jury on behalf of a
girl born with cerebral palsy, he
claimed he was channeling the unborn
baby girl, Jennifer Campbell, who was
speaking to the jurors through him:
"She said at 3, 'I'm fine.' She said
at 4, 'I'm having a little trouble,
but I'm doing OK.' Five, she said,
'I'm having problems.' At 5:30, she
said, 'I need out.'"
She's saying, "My lawyer
needs a new Jaguar ... "
"She speaks to you through
me and I have to tell you
right now – I didn't plan to
talk about this – right now
I feel her. I feel her
presence. She's inside me,
and she's talking to you."
Well, tell her to
pipe down, would you?
I'm trying to hear the
evidence in a
malpractice lawsuit.
To paraphrase Oscar
Wilde on the death
of Little Nell, one
must have a heart of
stone to read this
without laughing.
What is this guy, a
tent-show preacher?
An off-the-strip Las
Vegas lounge psychic
couldn't get away
with this routine.
Is Edwards able
to channel any
children right
before an
abortionist's
fork is plunged
into their tiny
skulls? Why
can't he hear
those babies
saying, "Let me
live! Stop
spraying this
saline solution
all over me!"
Edwards must
experience
interference in
channeling the
voices of babies
about to be
aborted. Their
liberal mothers'
hands seem to
muffle those
voices.
And may we
ask what the
pre-born
Jennifer
Campbell
thinks about
war with
Iraq? North
Korea?
Marginal tax
rates? If
Miss Cleo
here is
going to be
a heartbeat
away from
the
presidency,
I think the
voters are
entitled to
know that.
While
making
himself
fabulously
rich by
taking a
one-third
cut of
his
multimillion-dollar
verdicts
coaxed
out of
juries
with
junk
science
and
maudlin
performances,
Edwards
has the
audacity
to
claim,
"I was
more
than
just
their
lawyer;
I cared
about
them.
Their
cause
was my
cause."
If
he
cared
so
deeply,
how
about
keeping
just
10
percent
of
the
multimillion-dollar
jury
awards,
rather
than
a
third?
In
fact,
as
long
as
these
Democrats
are
so
eager
to
raise
the
taxes
of
"the
rich,"
how
about
a 90
percent
tax
on
contingency
fees?
For someone who didn't care about the money, it's interesting that Edwards avoided cases in which the baby died during delivery. Evidently, jury awards average only about $500,000 when the babies die, and there is no disabled child to parade before the jury.
Edwards was one of the leading opponents of a bill in the North Carolina Legislature that would have established a fund for all babies born with cerebral palsy. So instead of all disabled babies in North Carolina being compensated equitably, only a few will win the jury lottery – one-third of which will go to trial lawyers like Edwards, who insists he doesn't care about the money.
Despite the now-disproved junk science theory about C-sections preventing cerebral palsy that Edwards peddled in the channeling case, the jury awarded Edwards' client a record-breaking $6.5 million. This is the essence of the modern Democratic Party, polished to perfection by Bill Clinton: They are willing to insult the intelligence of 49 percent of the people if they think they can fool 51 percent of the people.
So while Michael Moore, Al Franken, George Soros, Crazy Al Gore and the rest of the characters from the climactic devil-worshipping scene in "Rosemary's Baby" provide the muscle for the Kerry campaign, Kerry picks a pretty-boy milquetoast as his running mate, narrowly edging out a puppy for the spot. Just don't ask the Democrats what they believe. Edwards' father was a millworker, and that's all you need to know.
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